#21 Little Black Sambo

For many people ‘Little Black Sambo’ was as much a part of childhood as Mother Goose nursery rhymes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Ninety-five percent of black people, for example, have at some point in their lives been introduced to Sambo and either broke into a rage like Hulk or broke off running. You see, for dark-skinned people everywhere particularly Indians, Blacks, and anyone whose skin color is less than a porcelain hue, Sambo is the equivalent of the boogey man or an elite army of KKK.

People have tried to resolve the issue of Sambo by marketing it in foreign languages. The Japanese issued ‘Chibikuro Sambo’ and Chileans the ’Negrito Sambo’ but to no avail. Everyone had already learned to read and write and were speaking other languages, too, therefore, cleverly disguising Sambo in words and foreign titles wasn’t fooling anyone. Besides, black people in particular know Samboo no matter where he tries to hide, no matter how clever the disguise.

People especially hate Sambo when dressed up as common household items such as cookie jars and figurines.

With that said, it is easy to get black people to hate you if you know, or are friends with Sambo in any form. In fact, to ensure black enemies simply utter the word Sambo out loud. People will automatically make the association between you and slavery and you will be labelled a slave owner.

America Has Decided!

Congratulations to Barack Obama, the first Black President of the United States of America. 

God Bless Obama. 

God bless America.

#20 Fart

Queffs are a vagina’s orchestra, which isn’t bad except men don’t know whether it’s queff, or queff’s dreaded cousin, fart.  

Although both queff and fart can be detrimental to even the strongest social status, queff is slightly more tolerable in civilized society because it is basically all bark, no bite. On the other hand fart has a reputation for being a pit bull. It has been known to clear stadiums, discourage second dates, and viciously combat marriage proposals.

While queff only shows up once in a while to blow a horn, fart is unreasonable, non-negotiable, and may stalk public gatherings and special occasions {prone to attack old men and pregnant or lactating women} at will.

Since nobody likes fart and most people will not claim one the best thing to do to counter attack fart is to quit smoking, stop chewing gum, or give up breathing.

Note: People prefer to know from whinst it came, and find it particularly offensive to walk into the fart of perfect strangers, most especially those in elevators.

{This post may or may not include the sneeze/cough fart-a common, involuntary variation of fart that occurs when someone sneezes or coughs too violently or unexpectedly. Sneeze/cough fart is just as unacceptable as regular fart because, for as many people that pretend to ignore a sneeze/cough fart when it occurs, there are just as many that believe you sh*t a little in your pants.}

#19 Spam

Everyone hates spam. Whether it’s Something Posing As Meat or unsolicitated emails for penis pills, people hate all things spam. 

About the only thing people hate more than spam is receiving spam or actually eating Hormel’s spam.

It’s really an enigma to everyone that canned spam, created in 1937, has lasted this long. Many believe it’s because Hormel successfully convinced the world that mystery meat does exist. It’s a colossal global achievement worthy of the highest accolades which is why grocery stores continue to stock shelves with spam today-like art museums.

Email spam may be electronic but has its own problems. People don’t like contributing to statistics, cheap Canadian drugs, or billions of dead people dollars from Africa.

#18 Popping Gum

People don’t mind war, they just hate being amidst one. This is why people hate popping gum. Not only is it an obnoxious attack on the nerves but unless you’ve been to Vietnam or grew up in the Bronx you don’t know the sound of gum popping while shopping for loafers or having dinner at Masa at Time Warner isn’t really shots from an AK-47 aimed at your head. It really is embarassing having dinner under a table.

It’s been established that, while it’s acceptable to fly like birds, chew like cows and smoke like chimineys, it’s totally unacceptable to pop like an assault weapon.

{Thanks to Mandy Crandell for the photo}